Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.
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The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.
Any body can be a summer body if it’s discovered between the months of June and September
“What’s your name?”
“Sharky.”
“Is that your real name?”
“Does it matter?”
“I guess not.”
*hands me my order*
Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog
*Makes three typos while trying to correct one*
[at ultrasound]
Wife: omg so what is it?
Me: it’s a baby.
Wife: I know that.
Me: then why did you ask?
Wife:
Doctor: yes then why did you ask?
My mom, watching a scary movie: Be careful if you’re going in the backyard, I thought I saw someone walking around out there.
Me: What. Like a cat?
My mom: No, it was definitely bigger than that.
“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.
When news reporters do sports stories
Them: you’re broke, you have to move apartments, you work a shitty job, and you’re balding.
Me: Thats cool. Everything will work out in the end.
Them: your child is skipping a nap today.
Me: MY LIFE IS RUINED!
INTERVIEWER: What would you say are your st—
ME: Strengths? Making inferences from minimal data.
INTERVIEWER: Okay. And your we—
ME: Wheat allergies? None whatsoever.
Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.
Who called it “playing footsie” and not “becoming sole mates”?
“so doc… am I dying?”
“we’re all dying, just at different speeds”
“but what about me”
“You’re like, the Usain Bolt of dying dude lmao”
Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.
Kid: *falls down*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *runs into table*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *ball hits them in face*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *drops phone*
Me: OMG, did you break it?!
it’s bullshit that someone made a bowl out of wet dirt 30,000 years ago and now i have to load a dishwasher
I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.
Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
“It all started when my mom met my dad…”
How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
My 6yo carried our Google Home Mini around the house all day asking it question after question to the point where I found it locked in the bathroom crying with a glass of wine.
The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok
if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.
Him: What dat mouf do?
Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.