“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”
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GOOD COP: We can do the easy way…
BAD COP: Or the hard way.
UNDERCOVER COP: [muffled] Guys, get under the covers with me! It’s so cozy and I have a flashlight and comic books under here!
Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.
In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.
Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing
I’m thinking about giving up sugar.
Ok. I’m done thinking about it.
ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …
If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.
My son: I need a nap, I’m so tired.
Me: Aw buddy – didn’t sleep good last night?
My son: no, I just couldn’t sleep in class today like I usually do.
Me:
I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog & she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”
Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.
Yeah, it was hard talking the little lady into it; but I showed her the top child psychologists agree that competition is healthy amongst siblings. So that’s Gargamel, our 7 year old, and our 3 year old baby girl here is named Papa Smurf.
Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.
If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?
Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…
If you skip away from a crime they’ll never suspect you.
I received a memo from the boss, once, that just read “template”. I spent hours developing one, when he pops in and asks if they showed up. 🤦🏻♂️
Phew. Zero percent juice. That was a close call.
PHILOSOPHY MAJOR: humanity is at risk
STEM MAJOR: because global warming is affecting sea levels
ENGLISH MAJOR: is it affecting or effecting
[having a discussion]
BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse
It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.
Even if it is no one’s birthday.
They don’t even check.
Handing out samples at Costco:
“These are mini hand sanitizer/toilet paper sandwiches, they’re really popular right now”
millipede mobster [raising guns]: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND
yeah not falling for this one
Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops
The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.
I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.
Good things come to those who don’t make mommy lose her shit.
[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.
“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”
Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent
[first day as a detective]
me: you say the suspect—she’s got legs?
zz top: yes sir
me: and she knows how to use them?
zz top: that’s right
me: *into walkie talkie* bring chun-li in for questioning
Me: I’m bored
Dad: hi bored I’m dad
Me: I’m hungry
Dad: hi hungry I’m dad
Me: I’m here’s 20 dollars
Dad: hi here’s 20 dollars
Me: thanks dad
Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.