PIERRE GASLY WHAT IS THIS ????
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Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.#PoetryDay
I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?
The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
A bum gets on a bus and walks past a nun. The nun says “youre going to hell”. The bum yells “Damn, Im on the wrong bus” ! 😀
“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”
“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”
My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.
Twitter 2013: “Come and see what fun things your favourite celebrities are up to!”
Twitter 2023: “Your old favourite celebrities are now convinced lizard people are trying to take away your car and replace them with genders”
If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up
Instead of being frustrated that you only have a 140 character limit just be thankful that I do.
Not saying I deserve a gold medal in parenting, but it’s 4:47 PM and my 4yo just yelled “FINE THEN, I’M GOING TO BED!” So you be the judge.
Suit: It says here you’re “dramatic” and “nonsensical”?
Me [forward somersault, grabs resume]: Sorry that’s a typo, it should say “sandpaper pickles”.
My son was so sweet this morning. He took the garbage and recycling out without being asked, so I really think we’re turning a corner on this grouchy morning teen thing.
In unrelated news, my son asked for $20 right before he left for school.
*Leans head up to wife as I’m dying*
Me: My only regret is…
*Coughs loudly*
Me: …not having something cooler to say as I die.
*Dies*
“We like the idea, we do. We’re just afraid it’s going to keep the viewer awake.” – Sundance Channel execs
some Old Testament wisdom
Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?
Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.
After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.
I went deep sea fishing once and caught what I thought was a marlin, but was actually a catfish with a party hat glued to its face.
[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open
You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die
*sees oven left on
“What moron left the oven on!?”
*tries repeatedly to turn it off
“WTF!? Stupid oven!”
*realizes 425 is the time
An Ohio judge ruled gay marriage legal, as long as the person is dead, proving that the slippery slope now includes gay necrophila.
Indiana Jones And The Two Dudes Who Lost Their Cars.
me: I need to learn about clams
librarian: you can find them under C
me: I need to learn more than that
Me: I’ve brought a urine sample
Doctor: I didn’t ask for a urine sample
Me: There was a lot of traffic
Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets