Just ate a cheap foil-covered Easter egg & it was so disgusting, I ate 9 more to ensure my initial assessment was correct. I concur with me.
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[first date]
HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs?
ME: *scanning the menu* I don’t even see them on here. What page are you on?
Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
Drove by an SUV limo parked on somebody’s front lawn with a “For Sale” sign. Who is buying a random limo on a whim
Why do people say “meteoric rise”? You know, meteors…those space rocks that famously don’t go up?
Yesterday my daughter asked how babies are made, and I gave such a terrible explanation she now thinks babies come from eggs.
Hi, I’m Megan. You may know me from such public encounters with kids as “No, YOUR face is stupid” and “I didn’t trip you, you fell”.
For Sale : Used Facebook account ~ get up to the minute weather forecast, religious counseling and countless pictures of Jenny’s cat.
I don’t need a New Year’s resolution, it’s the year’s turn to be better.
Now that the sleep paralysis demon is trapped in my head, he’s starting to rethink his decisions
It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.
If someone asks if I have time to talk about Jesus I tell them yes but they have to give me an equal amount of time to talk about Ducktales.
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese
I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.
Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’
[philosophy class]
PROFESSOR: u must question everything
[later]
ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!
The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.
Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.
Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.
My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster
BF: I’m hungry. Wanna go out to eat?
GF: I look like hell. We can’t go out to eat.
BF: You look good enough to go to Waffle House.
GF: [eyes narrow]
I switched from the cutting wheel to pizza scissors and it’s like I spent the first half of my life trying to shave with a banana.
If there’s a fine line between being too quiet and saying way too much, i’ve never found it
A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now
Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
gf: we can’t have another pet
me: [holding my new rabbit] shhh you’re bothering neil patrick-carrots
Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?
Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water