It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.
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WIFE: *reading news article* There are what appears to be coordinated attacks by killer whales on boats
ME: *barely audible* orca-strated
HER: Get out!
witch: what do u need?
me: a spell to make my dad proud
dad: *rips off witch mask* always looking for a shortcut unbelievable
I broke up with a woman once, she was beautiful but dumb, I kicked her to the curb because she couldn’t tell the difference between my bedroom door and the neighbor’s bedroom door.
My husband and I are having a serious fight.
Do you think I should let him know about it?
I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?
SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep
But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?
I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.
[Talking w/Doc]
The wife wants to try period sex
“Seems unsanitary to me”
I dont think u understand-
*wife bursts in wearing medieval armor*
This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.
Just congratulated my ex on dating someone so young that her Throwback Thursday photos are just pictures of her pregnant mom. I’m a dream.
“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.
parents: you are what you eat
kids:
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.
Dr: I’m giving u a proton-pump inhibitor
Me: LIKE A GHOSTBUSTER?
D: No for acid reflu *sees tears welling in my eyes* yes for busting ghosts
I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”
Southern women don’t outright fight. We passive aggressively drive one another into the ground with compliments and trying to make the better fried chicken.
I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”
It’s too bad my sister wasn’t kinder to me in middle school.
**orders nephew a bullhorn for Christmas**
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…
The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.
Winnie the Pooh: will u marry me?
Piglet: for the last time, u don’t get a literal “honey” moon
Pooh: pls say yes I need to see for myself
movies gotta warn me if they’re a part 1, before i’m in the theater. I just got jump scared by “to be continued” screens twice in one week (Fast X and Spiderverse).
i’m a 37 year old man and and i need emotional closure in my movies, i don’t have time to be cliffhanged
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: I just wanted to see you.[4:07 am]
Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”
The inventor of perforated paper has died.
RIP
My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.