Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.
After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.
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my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat
Tonight we’re gonna party like its 1999.
No seriously, Greg’s been in a coma for 14 years. We’ll tell him that shit tomorrow night though.
why does my dog sprint after he poops like he’s fleeing the scene of a crime
[while house is on fire]
Firefighter: wake up ma’am, your house is on fire.
Me: can’t you see I’m sleeping?
F: but the house is on fire.
Me: 9 out of 10 people wish to die while sleeping, and we’re most likely to die at 11 am *looks at clock* You just ruined a perfect death.
Person: “Are you in a wheelchair in your dreams?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Are you stupid in yours?”
i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years
Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*
I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.
Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.
Boss: Ur fired
Me: Why?
[his phone rings & I instinctively drop-kick it out a window]
B: That
Me: My powers?
B: Call it what u want, but yes
Communing with the fog in the woods, anyone need anything?
Noah’s wife: the ark is falling apart
Noah: glue might work, I have an idea
Horse: it’s weird he brought 3 of us
one time my grandma used an american express traveller’s check to buy a whole frozen horse
Whenever people announce “I’m marrying my best friend” for a second I always think “oh shit what about your boyfriend, he seemed so nice”.
SURVIVAL TIP: IF LOST IN THE WOODS, BUILD A SHELTER. THE TAX COLLECTOR WILL BE THERE SHORTLY.
I’m pregnant, during the holidays, during a never-ending pandemic. The next medical professional who makes me step on the scale better be prepared with some tissues and a sugar free lollipop to cheer me up.
Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.Ps. Shut it, maths police.
I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.
[scrolling netflix]
Me: definitely not a movie, that’s too much time
Also me: *watches 5 episodes of Better Call Saul*
I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance
Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex
Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.
I’m gonna take this shit to another level!
*pushes elevator button*
[Bat symbol lights up Gotham’s sky]
“Gordon needs me, the city needs me.”
[Robin waving flashlight around]
“Oh wow look they need me too.”
Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.
My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!
Me: What do you mean by pretending?
Sometimes I wonder what people without kids do with all that free time. I bet they sit and stuff.
an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”
How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?
If I were a weatherman, I’d hate it when newsreaders did a story about a flood or a heatwave. I’d come on and do a forecast about crime or the economy just to give them a taste of their own medicine.