(Trump rally)
Trump: I’ll take questions now.
Reporter: How will you fix California’s drought?
Trump: More water.
Crowd: *cheers wildly*
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them: hold your horses
me: *immediately drops one*
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!
Me:*delete pics*
IPhone: you sure?
M:Yes
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
Me:delete them
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho
This is bullshit. Panic bought this 100 lb bag of rice when quarantine started; only eaten a fistful because it’s all sharp and hard and crunchy, NOT like in the restaurants.
Cake!!
Me: what was with King Solomon having 300 concubines?
Bible scholar: it’s a mistranslation
[Flashback]
King Solomon: more porcupines
Those plastic bags in the produce department that are so hard to get open are designed to keep your ego in check. Its intentional.
Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF
A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire
~ the guy in front of me, apparently
I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms
My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.
I’d have more sympathy for Sony’s alleged loss of $200 million if that weren’t the cost of like three large popcorns at any movie theater.
“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?
Me as a detective:
[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]
[evidence catches on fire]
no no no no
Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?
“I really like Eminem.”
” I prefer smarties.”
“No, the rapper.”
“Why would you eat the wrapper?”
#FridayVibes #RubbishJokes
Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”
Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”
there is a small frog hiding in the water fountain at work and I am very jealous of him
I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.
[Halloween]
Lady: what are you this this year?
Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I’m at 10% and it’s only 7pm.
Lady: *faints*
Me: Sorry I’m late, I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour.
Boss: Need a new battery?
Me: No, I just think I need better shoes.
Self-cleaning conscience
[camping]
me: why can’t i find any animals
wife: the wildlife is very conservative here
deer: climate change is a myth
Me: Mmm these are so good! They just melt in your mouth
Cook: Those are ice cubes
Me: Delicious. How are they prepared?
There’s been a terrible misunderstanding.
It seems that monkey is the root of all evil.
Kids are fun because they’ll barge in the bathroom when you say “don’t come in, I’m naked” and then get mad at you because you’re naked.
“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”
-captain of the Titanic