Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.
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Astrogeologists: do telescope/remote sensing on distant objects.
Astrologists: use horoscope/do not remotely make sense/object when dissed.
It’s 6am somewhere!
~Toddlers waking up at 4am.
I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.
If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.
[at the club]
Me: …everyone seemed to be just fine with Superman wearing red knee high boots
Her: Just take them off
*A burlap bag is pulled off your head, a bright spotlight is causing you to blink*
WHERE DOES THE ARCHIVED MICROSOFT OUTLOOK EMAIL GO.
EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back
Dad: I was just resting my eyes
one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king
“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever
Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”
I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.
“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.
Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
[ice cream parlor]
WIFE: I’ll have two scoops of vanilla
ME: me too, u could say I want an
WIFE AND CLERK: please don’t
ME: ice cream clone
The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.
No laws when master is gone
Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed
People who dip their pizza in ranch dressing have killed and will kill again.
If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.
The funniest part about The Bachelor is the participants actually think being married is a prize.
[telling Florida friend about the Amish corn I got at the farmers market]
Friend: I wish I could get some!
Me: I’ll send you some!
[envisioning a scenario where somehow that’s illegal and I’m arrested for interstate corn trafficking]
*30 minutes later*
Me: darn sold out 🙁
A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.
Just found out the last message the Mars Rover sent was, “my battery is low and it is getting dark,” and I will be using the same message for anyone who texts me to hang out after 630pm
Invention idea:
Written versions of audio books.
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.
If you are gonna do conspiracy theories go big or go home.
Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.