I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from
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Anyone else having a near life experience today?
My neighbor, when something bad happens to me: Remember, everything happens for a reason.
Me, when my neighbor’s packages are mistakenly delivered to me: [whispers] This was meant to be.
I feel bad for tailgating this minivan so closely but once I started watching Kung Fu Panda on his back seat TV I had to see it through.
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!
My hips don’t lie because they be like, “Fool, you gonna need some ibuprofen tonight after thinking you could play tag with your kids.”
Benoit Blanc: So this baloney of yours, does it have a first name? Could you be so kind as to spell it?
Office fun: replace your coworker’s mouse with a larger mouse so he thinks his hands are shrinking then call him “baby hands” until he quits
i put “wake up” and “try to breathe” on my to-do list and long story short it’s 9:30am and guess who’s already had a productive day
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
Interior designer: Ugh, this is old and outdated.
Me: Wait, did you just point at me?
My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.
It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.
Please enter new password
Me: Candy123
Password shouldn’t be similar to previous password
We recommend this password
J:$aBhh?/@‘c,2.”1f3&,0LP?!477F.91$uMe: Candy123!
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 01: so they just bake?
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 10: alice better mind the claggy weather if she’s to produce a biscuit with a proper snap after disappointing paul with an garish proof on her loa
Lmaoo 😂
I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.
A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.
If you’re wondering whether an orchid can survive a spin in the washing machine, my 2yo can now tell you it can’t.
Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’
finally
My 11yo just asked me if I was gonna be a “single Pringle” forever and I’m laughing so hard I can’t even be mad.
if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados
Me: I was only protecting the kids from learning too early that their parents are fallible
Her: *packing away Monopoly* That’s still no excuse for stealing from the bank
[costume shop]
Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
It took me a good two minutes of trying to figure out why I put the freezer food in the cupboard, before I remembered that I have kids who wanted to help put the groceries away
“I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything
For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”
PROFESSORR: So, Attilla’s rise had a lot of unintended consequences.
ME: *Raises hand*
PROFESSOR: Yes, Andrew?
ME: Hunintended.
PROFESSOR:
ME:
PROFESSOR: Thank you, Andrew.
When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.