[during sex]
HER: I want you to make me scream
ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*
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Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
Wow, what a moving acceptance speech from John Lithgow:
I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.
Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?
If you’re gonna have kids you’d better be prepared to make sacrifices. Chickens, goats, the occasional human, whatever the Dark Lord demands
we all know this pain all too well
Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.
He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.
Welcome to your 40s, your eyebrows are now a federally protected wildlife habitat.
If I learned anything from Aladdin it was that if u just keep lying to a girl eventually u will get to marry her and live at her dad’s house
If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.
[movie night]
5: what should we watch?
Me: anything you want
5 [opens every movie case revealing Space Jam DVD inside] not again dad
interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé
me: yes
interviewer: are you going to?
me: no
Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”
I just asked the kid working at McDonald’s if the shamrock shakes were made with fresh shamrocks. He went to ask the manager. 😳
Remember how much you used to like this song?- Car ads.
5-year-old: Dad, can you make the rain go away?
Me: Someone more powerful than me controls the weather.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Mom?
“We have an idea for a video game. Picture a big gorilla on top of some metal framing hurling barrels at a plumber.”
That could not make any less sense. What’s the gorillas first name
“Donkey”
I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”
“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”
#SixWordHorror
Moses: 🎶gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people free🎶
His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We’re literally being chased
My entire life looks like a drug deal gone bad.
choosing between self-checkout and cashier is such a battle for me. there’s either a 100% chance i have to interact with a human or a 20% chance i have to interact with a human to explain why i am too dumb
Welcome to your 50’s.
I thought I saw a werewolf in my bathroom this morning then realized I forgot to pluck that one crazy chin hair.
Happy Halloween!
I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.
*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole
I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances:
Me: I’ve brought a urine sample
Doctor: I didn’t ask for a urine sample
Me: There was a lot of traffic
9: Can I sleep with you?
Me: Why?
9: Had a dream about the Lullaby Lady.
M: Who?
9: An old woman with no skin on her hands.
M: Why do you call her that?
9: Because she stands next to your bed and hums while you sleep.
M: Sure, just let Daddy put the house up for sale real quick.