What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination
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As a new homeowner, I was excited to learn how to do carpentry, plumbing and electrical work. And now that I’ve destroyed it, does anyone want to buy a house?
Thinking about having bacon and bacon for dinner.
I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
Quick question guys. Why is my therapist putting on boxing gloves?
all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage
The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.
I could tell my beard needed a trim when I started seeing some of the pictures my 6yo was drawing of me.
Teen horror movies taught me one thing. Vampires really want to hang around with us.
If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.
Date: Are you winking or blinking?
Cyclops: I do not know.
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope
Eating at restaurant with Mom after her doc appointment when phone rings
Me: *phone rings* Hello? Okay. I’m not at my laptop so I can’t answer you but don’t worry—I’m eating an ice cream sundae about it right now.
doctor: im afraid u only have a few minutes left to live
me: [sobs] oh my god are u sure
doctor: [pulls out gun] im totally sure
Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.
Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.
The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously
ME: *puts my hair in a bun*
WAITER: gross
Doctor: I have your test results
Me: did I pass hahaha
Doctor: hahaha you will soon
Me: haha what
My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
Whenever I drink I turn into Jason Bourne. I can’t remember much, fighting comes naturally, and I have a sudden need to evade the law.
I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle
Sorry I fell in love when you did your flailing arms dance
I had a bowl of Cap’n Crunch cereal for the first time in a long time last weekend. The roof of my mouth should be healed in a few days.
Wiggle is the best of all rooms.
People who say losing weight is “just math” clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.
I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.
My cat just wrote the Great American Novel. Let me read you a page, “Meow meow meow meow meow meow.” Dunno, think it’s a little pretentious.