Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.
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Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.
Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.
[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
I just filled up my gas tank and went to a movie and bought a large soda and popcorn, I spent roughly 7000 dollars.
If your 6-year-old suddenly runs to assure you in the kitchen that his napping toddler brother is “JUST FINE,” you can be sure that he has tiny dinosaur figurines stacked high on his forehead as he sleeps.
Why is my purse so heavy?
*pulls out two tubes of sunscreen, extra pair of glasses, 3 cat toys, a circuit city gift card, and a 3 piece meal with two sides and a biscuit
My daughters moved out on their own and they call me periodically to ask for advice and answers. I kind of thought watching me raise them would have proven that I’m winging it, but for some reason, they think that I know things?
I had no idea being an adult would involve so many lotions.
Just saw a video where Gordon Ramsey was struggling to say “Worcestershire sauce”, and honestly guys, if he can’t do it there’s no hope for the rest of us
I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.
Every day has been Fat Tuesday since quarantine started.
Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.
*ate all the cheese and cookies
I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.
People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out
i met a girl in a bar bathroom once who was ready to fight this girl harassing me with zero context to the situation and we’ve been best friends ever since.
Trebek: This Disney movie starred Elsa & Anna.
Me: Frozen.
Trebek: In the form of a question please.
Me: Do you wanna build a snowman, Alex?
They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.
My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.
It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.
How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄
*at bank*
I always think it’s funny when I go to the bank because my last name is Banks
Teller: “haha. First name?”
*Pulls out gun*
Robin
They say that there’s no place for the state in the bedrooms of the nation, and you know what else has no place in the bedrooms of the nation? MALM furniture from IKEA or my cousin Steve.
They should make you watch a training video and pass a little test before you’re allowed to touch the office coffee maker.
Science Lesson: A baking dish that’s been in a 400 degree oven, is also 400 degrees and you shouldn’t touch it.
[aquarium exit]
Excuse me ma’am, would you mind opening your bag?
I beg your pardon?!
OPEN YOUR BAG
*opens bag and reveals two penguins*
doctors in 90s: really try to limit your screen time to 4 hours a day
doctors today: please for the love of God find a 10 minute stretch in your day where you’re not looking at a screen. actually nevermind. just do whatever you want. have some adderall
Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.
I didn’t hear “to work.”
If you’re a Mormon, and you have a mom, and you haven’t been referring to her exclusively as Mitt Momney…then why the hell are you Mormon?