My entire life can be summed up by those anxious and awkward breaths; the ones where you wonder if the hiccups are really gone or not.
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“these Kate Middleton pics will silence internet critics” I don’t think u understand how badly you’ve fucked this. there are now people on the internet who could SHAKE HER HAND and still claim she’s four cats in a wig
My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
All I’m saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.
My sister is doing low carb and she told me she made a low carb quesadilla. I asked her how and she said she used eggs as the tortilla. I said that’s an omelette and now she isn’t talking to me
Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.
The guy in the office next to me is trying to save the company $1.7 million dollars from the IRS. Meanwhile I’m busy googleing “whale dongs”
Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)
I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that some gorillas in the wild walk around carrying hammers and that they are called ‘Thorillas’.
I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1
“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”
Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.
PRIEST: god knows how you’re behaving, and has a huge problem with it
ME (wasn’t listening): and also with you
Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.
I had an uncle who died on a trampoline. What he was doing with a trampoline in the middle of the Vietnam War, I’ll never know.
A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.
me: sacked? why?
boss: you’ve been working at GitHub for 4 years now and you still laugh at the name
me: you *know* that’s under control [holds clipboard in front of face for 8 minutes]
nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works
Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?
I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.
“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.
If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.
[therapy session]
THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park
ME: nuh uh
Romantically smoking a postcoital cigar from both ends with your lover like in Lady and The Tramp
Mary Poppins: 🎶A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down🎶
Death Row inmate: how did you get in here
waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?
hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing
[at the opera]
Me: what’s wrong with that guy
Wife: shh!
Me: but he’s tiny, he can barely hold that violin
Wife [whispers]: that’s a cello
The calories don’t count in the bites we have to take of our kid’s food to get them to eat it