Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.
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A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time
I thought my wife was joking when she said she wanted to go to a Monkees’ concert in Switzerland, then I saw her face, now I’m in Geneva.
I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.
Me: *Posing nude for the first time*
Photographer: Absolutely stunning, but inappropriate for your drivers license tbh
I just overheard a woman tell her son “We don’t lick other people, it’s gross” and now I’m reevaluating so many choices I’ve made.
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
Tom work hard.
Tom tired.
Tom need break.
Tom book Caribbean vacation.
Tom Cruise.
Sat behind two cars at a four-way stop for 5 minutes before I realized I had accidentally joined a goddamn school pick up line.
Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.
I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?
my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .
#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.They are so full of themselves.
It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.
Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides
Well, I’ve put it off long enough. I guess I should check on those wraith-like noises coming from the attic. I’ll be right back.
i get it boeing, i’m also prone to breaking down in public and making it everyone else’s problem
Packing my daughter’s prom kit…lip gloss, stun gun, pepper spray, switchblade, and I’ve uploaded all 5 seasons of Teen Mom to her iPhone.
Camp Detective: [struggling to get out of a hammock] I suppose you’re all – ugh – I suppose you’re all wondering – mmmmph! Goddamit – why I called you here toda- no! Don’t help me I CAN DO IT
Ah to be a little slug on a day like today. The rain is out. No cares in the world. Time for slime.
BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
[elevator doors r closing, i see a woman running to get on. i push the close door button because i gotta be on time for an interview. i get there exactly at 2 and sit down. a few min later the interviewer walks in. it’s the woman from the elevator]
her: *glares*
me: you’re late
I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.
[overhears the flight attendant asking the people in the emergency row if they’re capable and willing to operate the emergency exit]
Passengers: Yes
Me: MAKE THEM PROVE IT
who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often
The hardest part of painting a nude self-portrait is having yourself over for drinks and convincing yourself to take off your clothes.
*waters flowers*
*flowers die**sprays weeds with poison*
*weeds mutate, quadruple in size, grow 3 heads, and start speaking in tongues*
ME: we sure have one great kid
WIFE: we have two kids
ME: yes we do
Shazam but for telling you the name of someone who’s only just been introduced to you 5 minutes ago but you weren’t listening.
“Alone, here in the post-apocalypse, I can finally enjoy true silence,” I think, just before an aftershock sets off hundreds of car alarms…