husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*
me: what’s with all the water
him: you know FULL WELL
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*bother*
*bother*
*bother*
“WHY ARE YOU BEING SO MEAN TO ME FOR NO REASON”
Date: I like old fashioned guys
Me: I have polio
I only see psychics so that I can keep arguing with dead relatives.
Feel like these super villains wouldn’t have to steal so much if they didn’t insist on paying for all their goons to be wearing the same outfit.
haha same
One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.
Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.
My toddler pretended to leave for work this morning with no pants and a lunchbox full of mini donuts so my question is where do I apply for this job
Just me and my debit card against the world
*runs 3 steps*
my heart: if u don’t stop i will
God: the quarterly meeting of 2020 will come to order
Satan: under new business please add timing to release 4th horseman of the apocalypse
G: this is the last time I bet with you on the winner of Dancing with the Stars
S: LOL
G: LOL
ME: today will be a good day
PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
PARENTS: when we were ur age we bought a house for $10,000
ME: oh yeah? well did u have.. THIS?!
*gestures to 114 gross Oreo flavors*
There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.
Hands: Hold my beer.
If you try and fight South Park they will just turn around and do another episode about you. 😬
*gf making spaghetti*
Me: can I get a side of garlic clove with my garlic bread?
Gf: that’s it. You’re not gettin’ any tonight!
Me: sex or clove?? Please say sex, I really need that clove..
[trying to avoid awkward silence on first date]
you ever see a horse throw up?
“no”
*smiles and turns phone sideways so video gets bigger*
Somebody needs to get my shit together.
People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.
Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.
It takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning
Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you
Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”
so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota
So much rainfall recently that Devon is now officially classed as a soup.
MUGGER: give me ur wallet
ME: stand back i have mace
MUGGER: [sniffing] is this cookies-scented febreze
No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.
Yes officer, I’d like to file a restraining order against my dentist’s appointment reminder system.
My lady husky is mad I won’t feed her early so she just maintained eye contact with me and started chewing the corner of the brand new dining table.
I put my laptop in incognito mode but it still has “DELL” written on its lid in big letters, so it obviously hasn’t worked.