Saw an article on Facebook that a local bank was robbed. It had one like. They should probably look at that person as the robbery suspect.
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Genie: you have three wishes.
Me: i want a million wishes.
Genie: oh you’re one of those. Hey Jim! Come on out front! We’ve got one of those back again!
When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.
*emerging naked from a ball of lightning*
Me: You there! What year is it?
Tupac: It’s 1996 -are you-
Me: I’m from the future, yes
Tupac: To deliver a message!
Me: No
Tupac:
Me: I’m just going to live here
Tupac:
Me: You should uh… take a cruise or something though
[ on trial ]
me, whispering to my criminal defense lawyer: do you think the judge thinks I’m cute?
judge: we can all hear you
me: then I’d like an answer to the question
Me: please, I’ve tried everything
Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware
trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”
Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project
You ever think someone is breaking into your house and then realize oh, it’s just the clothes in the washer I started 5 minutes ago.
A guy from HS asked my best friend why I hate him.
She said, “It’s not personal. Amy hates everybody.”
It’s cool that she gets me.
I wish I could but I’m busy plotting revenge because my kids laughed when I showed them I can shake it better than Shakira.
What has three thumbs and just won the lottery?
THIS GUY!
* having won the lottery, I was able to add that third thumb I’ve always wanted
I told my 4yo daughter to believe in herself because she can be anything she wants to be so now she’s busy preparing for her future life as a dinosaur
Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one…that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.
As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
My kid begged me not to be “cringe” around her friends when they come over, and I don’t have the heart to tell her that I don’t even know how to not be “cringe” around MY friends.
I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.
(On a date)
Her: the last guy I dated was really immature, so I ended it.
Me: haha yeah that was a good call…
*deletes ‘funny goat sounds’ app from my phone under the table*
Cop: Save it for the JUDGE!
Crook:Ok
*crook wraps up last slice of pizza in foil*
Lawyer: it’s too bad the judge had to miss our pizza party
How To Be A Parent
Step 1: have a child
Step 2: your guess is as good as mine
black phone good
saw a hinge profile that said “dom. cinephile.” like what, are you gonna tie me up with an HDMI cable and make me watch the seventh seal?
(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide
Wife: I need some chicken stock.
Me: okay. I’ll call the broker tomorrow.
Me: Ah-woooo!
The Moon: [swipes left]
[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]
My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”
This is an emergency!
*Begs to borrow strangers phone
*starts scrolling through pics
I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
me, after any kind of buffet.
Saw a guy riding a unicycle today. Actually, he was riding a bicycle but I didn’t see him & I hit him with my car. Then boom! Unicycle.