caveman: *bit by a radioactive cave*
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*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.
‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.
My kid’s kindergarten e-learning class is being very rude during show and tell. We worked very hard to put together this serial killer stats presentation.
Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?
*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*
So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times
It would be awesome if the Joker movie ended with Batman yelling “Oh HELL no” off camera and swooping in and just beating the absolute shit out of him.”
How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.
[Old lady] Please dont pet my dog. She’s a service dog
[Me] Omg I’m so sorry (stands up straight & salutes dog) Thank you for your service
Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.
I got a call from the library saying I was in “serious, serious trouble” for a long overdue book.
Then they told me I would be fined $1.37 and I wonder if this is how rich people feel all the time.
If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.
Best goalkeeper.. 😅
Oh good. Another podcast set decorated with bobble heads. Remember when nerds had the the good manners to be ashamed of themselves?
Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.
Can’t stop laughing.. 😂
“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On
9y.o: “Mom, how many eggs can make an omelette?”
Me: “Well,-“
9: “-I mean, if eggs break, can you still use them?”
Me: …
9: Like, if they smashed all over a floor, could you still make them?”
Me: …
9: “Yeah, so…how do you clean eggs off a floor?”
Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this
Your friends will stand by you even when you’re at your worst because people are stupid
Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
6 FEET MEANS 6 MF FEET! 😂😩🔥
Airbnbs today: wash the towels, iron the sheets, mop the floors, defrost the freezer, mow the lawn, clean the gutters, paint the trim, dust the floorboards, check on my mother-in-law, … And don’t forget to leave us a five star review.
Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.
When I talk about “my old man” I’m referring to my 19yo son who likes to wake up early, make coffee, check the news and comment “we’ve really needed this rain” while wearing his robe.
When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.
Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.
My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.
I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena