They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.
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Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.
My grandma just described my grandads driving as erotic and I’m seriously hoping she meant erratic or grandma has some kinks I don’t wanna know about
Friend: Don’t you recycle?
Me: I do what I can.
F: What about the seals?
M: Am I responsible for their recycling, too?!
I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.
Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.
“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.
I’m just a girl
Hiding under a bed
Hoping his wife leaves soon
Again
GIRLFRIEND: *Crying* My dog died!
ME (who was only dating her because of her dog): So I have more bad news.
I miss this era type of pranks😭
“Sooth.”
-a soothsayer
If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?
*gloating* I just broke the internet
Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.
Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?
Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper
I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.
If you have joint pain..
You’re probably holding it by the wrong end.
shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!
me (has no idea what that is or means): good.
Nobody has ever partied as hard as skeletons in a cemetery in a 1930s cartoon. Using their heads as bongos. Doing cartwheels.. Letting one skelly use a broom to sweep them up into a big bone pile. The Euphoria kids could never
kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it
Wild-eyed guy passed me in the grocery store hissing “applesauce” but I can’t tell if he was looking for it or running away
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR!What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.
Practicing safe sax
Welcome to your 40s: that “teenager”over there is actually 27.
Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times
Ruby Tuesday lures you in with the promise of “bottomless fries” but then escorts you out with “you have to wear pants in here”.
I love how the cat trips me when I’m trying to refill his water bowl so that I get a water all over both of us, but then HE glares at ME.
Why do cars slow down when they see a cop has pulled someone over? HE’S A LITTLE BUSY TO WORRY ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW DUMMIES
“I’m here for the hookers and the booze!!!”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers… “I’m here for the hookers and the booze.”
Him: We’re going to the river, I should bring my wallet
Me: No just leave it here, wtf do you need it for?
His friend: She doesn’t want you to be found with any identifiers
I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.