Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.
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There is no “we” in chocolate.
my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus
i love reading online product reviews because there will be 8,000 that say “this blender is amazing, highly recommended” and one that will be like “garbage, do not buy, i tried to blend concrete and a crowbar and the thing broke immediately”
[car dealership]
“Why is some guy out there screaming insults at all the vehicles?”*Sees sign PRE-OWNED CARS*
“Oh.”
9: Can I sleep with you?
Me: Why?
9: Had a dream about the Lullaby Lady.
M: Who?
9: An old woman with no skin on her hands.
M: Why do you call her that?
9: Because she stands next to your bed and hums while you sleep.
M: Sure, just let Daddy put the house up for sale real quick.
Me: don’t you love it when you find $20 in a jacket pocket?
Guy [wearing a jacket that used to have $20 in it]: *distant yelling* hey get back here
Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?
Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”
Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.
Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶
Cost me $200 to fill up my tank tonight. Don’t know why I bought a tank, so impractical.
There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires
“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.
Sending in my taxes
Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.
Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?
your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice
“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.
I just learned that dentists can actually smell your fear.
I only wish that I weren’t learning this from the dentist who’s lurking outside my window
[Dog Restaurant]
“Is the Book Report any good?”
Yes, Sir.
“How’s it prepared?”
A 9yo stayed up till 3am to finish it.
“Ooh, I’ll have that.”
Gas stations be like:
Here’s some complimentary filthy water and a filthy sponge/squeegee so you can “wash” your windshield. You are very welcome.
getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you
Bartender: YOU’RE the guy that drinks from the soap dispenser in the toilets?
Me: [I try to say “NO” but it’s just lavender scented bubbles]
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
I’m always hungry
“That’s not what I-”
*takes out a cake* Also, I don’t like to share
Telling my daughter garlic is good for you. Good immune system and keeps pests away.Ticks, mosquitos, vampires… men.
The gorilla and I maintain eye contact, separated by only an inch of glass.
He scratches his head… I scratch mine.
He touches his chest… I touch mine.
He shits in his hand… my wife drags me away.
“I loves hows you’ve done me spinach Doc!” Popeye tells his host.
Hannibal winks. “The secret is to add a bit of Olive Oil.”
If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?
Yoga pants.
Me: dang those wings were spicy
WebMD: you have cancer
Me: I just ate buffalo wings I’m pretty sure it’s just heartburn
WebMD: ᵇᵘᶠᶠᵃˡᵒ ᶜᵃⁿᶜᵉʳ