I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.
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[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream
If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it
[inventing vampire weaknesses]
writer 1: *stoked* ok sunlight, they can only come out at night
writer 2: nice how about crucifixes?
writer 1: ooh yea and holy water!
writer 2: we’re crushing this
[5 hours later]
writer 1: uhh they have to be invited inside
writer 2: garlic
Mark Zuckerberg, 2003: “Hmm, I’m tired of going door-to-door telling people their grandma is racist … there has to be a better way …”
welcome mats are just gateway rugs
Me *walks in a perfectly straight line and then smiles at cop* told you I could do it!
Cop: you’re still getting arrested for murder though
As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.
i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was “open condom style”
Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your CV?
Me: Yes, that’s when I didn’t have a job.
Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
Simon: I wrote a song
Garfunkel: *reads lyrics*
Garfunkel: “I am a rock. I am an island” dude I’m like right here. I thought we were friends
They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.
…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”
*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?
Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.
Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
one bad part of this whole thing is having had to explain to my 6 year old how if the easter bunny tries to come into our house i’ll have to kill it
“And we’re back at the Baby Walking Finals!”
“Our next competitor is attempting a 3 inch step…”
“He got his right foot down firmly and the grandparents are impressed. Can he stick the landing?”
“He’s coming down with his left foot and… Ohhhhh he’s fallen flat on his face!”
Me: got the Infinity Gauntlet from Thanos
Iron Man: snap and bring everyone back
Me: [turning things into puppies] hold on
Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.
“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.
My kids: ROAD TRIP!
My kids, ten minutes later:
[sitting in van]
Robber 1: Ready?
Robber 2: Let’s do this!
Me: How do I…*trying to open egg container of pantyhose*…open this?
My wife and I divided up the important talks we’ll have with our daughters.
She’ll handle puberty, sex, and college.
I’ll handle zombies.
An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we’re all dealing with a lot rn
My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.
{After Eclipse}
Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?