I made a recipe that called for aubergines. The grocery store didn’t have any so I substituted eggplants.
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Women hate it when you call them ma’am or sleep with their friends.
Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.
Partner: It’s raining
Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything
[robber pulls gun]
ME: take my money but please don’t hurt me i’m an only child
MY DAD: [yelling from the car] he’s lying he has a brother
I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I’m going with that story.
I gotta work hard because my feet pics are unsellable
The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.
I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.
It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.
*My Gym Schedule*
Monday: Cardio
Tuesday: Intense weight training
Wednesday: Aerobics, dynamic strength training
Thursday: 3 year break
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.
being on Twitter right now is like playing the violin on the titanic except we are also making fun of the iceberg and the iceberg is getting genuinely mad
I asked my kids to stop fighting while I was on a work call and my daughter walked over and closed the door to the room I was sitting in.
Compromise.
Me: “You do NOT need any chips. Please leave them alone.”
6y/o, running off with bag of chips: “Yay, it says it’s Party Size!”
*trips, dumps half of the chips on the floor*
8y/o: “I think it’s more of a Family Size bag now?”
SOCRATES: [dying] Plato, my dear pupil, I’ve always wanted to tell you something.
PLATO: Yes, my teacher.
SOCRATES: I often made sweet sweet love to your mom. Now please take good care of my documents.
…
PLATO: [Socrates’s funeral] Too bad he left us no writing.
THE GIRL SCOUTS ANNOUNCED A NEW COOKIE NAMED RASPBERRY RALLY AND IF THEY THINK THEY’RE GOING TO GET ME TO BUY MORE OF THEIR UNHEALTHY, FATTENING COOKIES TO RUIN MY DIET, I’ll take 25 boxes please.
pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed
Hmm, not sure about this change
I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.
Hub: This looks delicious! I love spaghetti!
Me: I know
Hub: Pass the foot powder.
~and that’s why I can never eat Parmesan cheese again
Excited for the return of Game of Thrones.
Not excited for the return of the phrase, “If you’d read the books, you’d know that…”
Sorry I photobombed your mammogram.
Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something
Ouija board: s o m e t-
Wife: that’s him
me: what are you going to be when you grow up?
5: beautiful.
[gets found guilty of murder]
[sentenced to 3 years of listening to Pitbull on repeat]
[appeals]
[gets sentence reduced to lethal injection]
How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?– me watching my kids Christmas pageant
I love when you stroke my ego.
My ego is inside my panties.
Ads for 2020 would be like, have you ever wondered how it would feel if an entire lifetime was packed into one year? Now you can!
Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another