*catcher puts 1 finger down*
*pitcher shakes head*
*puts 2 fingers down*
*nods*
(catcher to umpire)
“can we take a break? he has to poop”
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Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!
How do I tell my doctor I only like him as a friend
T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I’m literally dying!
T-Rex mom: don’t be so dramatic…
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.
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🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing
Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account
me: i’m so excited for fall!
also me: where the hell did the sun go?
Wheel of Fortune contestants in Canada should get to buy more vowels.
I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.
i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries
I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.
*pretends floor is lava*
*looks around*
*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*
I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.
You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.
I gave birth to two human beings, yet I’m in awe that I’m growing a plant out of a sweet potato.
cinderella had an entire animal army and a magic grandma, and all she did with that was go to party to meet a man. in the history of misses wow that’s the biggest one
I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”
*boss stops meeting*
Mike, is there something you’ld like to share with the whole group?
Me: Nooooo, that’s why I whispered it to Alan.
[Guy on street handing out free fake moustaches]
Me: how many am I allowed
Guy: just one
Me: we’ll see
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Cool! Did you know the human body can’t feel water, only a change in temperature?
Him: no. not like that.
*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils
I like how tinder repeats old faces you already swiped left, as though the longer you’re there the more desperate you get and the lower your standards drop until eventually you swipe them right
babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me
Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
My mom just called to say not to let any of my twitter people know she got a traffic ticket. So anyways my mom has never gotten a traffic ticket, thanks.
I think costco should be the next president of the united states
Me (to friend): Oh my god, you have to meet him! He’s perfect!!
[8 years later]
Silently becomes enraged at the way he butters toast.
*Pizza Hut job interview*
“Do you own a shitty car and smoke pot?”
No sir.
“You will.”