pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed
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My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”
finally caved and watched tiger king. shit is bananas. the uncle killed the dad while the kid watched, then the kid ran away and hung out with a warthog and a meerkat for years? then he hallucinated his dad talking to him from the sky? weird
An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road
My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess
You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.
Girlfriend: *whispering* Have you ever thought of getting rid of that mole?
Me: He may be blind, but he’s not deaf
I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.
Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
I like how your options for buying furniture are either $800 for a nightstand or $100 for a nightstand but you must devote a day of your life to building it from scratch with wordless instructions like you have committed a crime in an ancient Greek myth & this is your punishment
If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.
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No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.
Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?
Transition lenses that keep getting darker the longer someone is talking to you.
I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.
I say ‘tomato’, you say ‘put your hands where I can see them and exit the vehicle slowly’ .
me: how does this even happen
son: [head stuck in drawer] I dunno
wife: [eating birth control from pez dispenser]
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
Doctor: I’m sorry, I did everything I could.
Grieving Family: We just can’t believe you wasted your time getting a PhD in Philosophy.
Strawberry jam: hi i’m strawberry jam
Blueberry jam: hi i’m blueberry jam
Raspberry jam: hi i’m raspberry jam
Orange jam: BoNjOuR, you may call me MARMALADE
Call me old fashioned but I believe marriage should be between one person who wants to watch tv and another person who wants to watch something different on tv
i work as a dj on the side. i like to hide a speaker somewhere in the club and make it drown out my music with a home depot ad every five minutes. everybody runs around trying to shut it off, but no one can figure out where it’s coming from. my stage name is DJ ESPN’s Website
Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?
Me: Janet Jackson. Always.
Banker: I understand you’d like to apply for a student loan?
Me: Yes. Preferably one that’s good at math.
Banker: What?
Me: What?
the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room
If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.
Ok, I’ll bite
What’s an ab?
me: I wish for infinite wishes!
genie: ok
me: wait are you serious
genie: [exhaling cigarette] yeah I don’t give a shit
ME: (before I bought a fanny pack) I wish I had something to carry this baby
ME: (after I bought a fanny pack) the baby doesn’t fit in here