Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.
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a dog shows up to play basketball. but the rulebook never says dogs can’t play. i get it. thats a normal thing to not see coming. but then that same dog plays football, soccer, baseball. time to codify the good faith bipeds only policy, right?
no! they let his kids be ASTRONAUTS
You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more
ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.
My daughter asked if she could marry her brother when she got older and I was SO uncomfortable because I was NOT ready to tell her about Alabama yet
AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief
“Can I be completely honest with you?”
— someone about to piss me off
[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET
For the last time, asking me if I want cheese is insulting. You could have said instead, much more meaningful things like ”Here. Cheese”
*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*
I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
[Dinner at Arby’s]
Me: Remember our first date here? Feels like yesterday
Her: It was lunch today. Please take me home
Me: Ahh memories
Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent
You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.
I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.
*getting murdered* omg stop you can get in a lot of trouble for this.
[Bank robbery]
*Other robbers jump into getaway van* “DRIVE! DRIVE! DRIVE!”
“Okie dokie.” * Starts to adjust mirrors*
When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?
You can’t keep eating people’s lunches from the break room & blaming the Taliban. A lot of what you’ve been stealing is pork for one thing.
I have this theory that if I use cash money to pay for food I’m not actually spending my money because it doesn’t decrease the number in my bank account.. I realize that this is inaccurate, but I will continue to think this way so that I feel better about my poor life decisions
Me: “I’ve been really under the weather lately.”
Doctor: “When did your symptoms start?”
Me (checks watch): “1985.”
Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.
Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]
Mortician: we’re gonna need that back
my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote
“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.
Dude just wanted a popsicle…
My 3yo told me he was going to clean up the mess by punching it and I was like, “Dude, I’ve tried and it doesn’t work.”
I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after
Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids
I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?
Me: I miss you.
My hairdresser: Did you do something to your hair? Please don’t. For the love of god, everything is hard enough without that. Don’t touch it.
Me: No, I just miss —
My hairdresser: Don’t touch it.