Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.
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[at the planetarium standing next to a cutie]
ME: (pretends hand is telephone) yes hello NASA is my new space rocket ready thanks please
My boss just set a meeting for July 2024 and a little piece of me died.
Cop: seen anything unusual?
Me: a dolphin with a hat once
Cop: I mean around here
Me: nah they live in water
Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.
*Wife busts me installing locks on man-cave door*
Wife : Great idea! That will keep the kids out!
Me : Uh… yeah. The kids.
[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK
Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?
Wife: OMG, stop saying that. You’re embarrassing me. You’re a waiter at a BBQ restaurant.
Me: I’ll thank you to refer to me as a porking attendant.
t-shirt is short for “television shirt”
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single poor decision in a pub and I’m starting to think this guy isn’t even a real Uber driver.
Liam Neeson stars as an evil owner of a haunted cemetery in a creepy new Halloween thriller. His catch phrase is “I have a particular set of skulls.”
{Signing up for anything}
THEM: And what is the best way to contact you?
ME: The best way?
THEM: Yes, the way you prefer.
ME: Oh then the way I prefer is that you do not contact me.
Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.
God: so you shoot them with the arrows
Cupid: yes
God: and then they fall in love
Cupid: right
God: with other compatible people
Cupid: uh well-
God: who will love them back
Cupid:
God:
Cupid: sure
Friend: excited for your date?
Me: no I just found out what we do at the end
Friend: kiss?
Me: *thinking about tipping* math
like u make the diseases or are against them ?
Still cracks me up
Please stop calling a picture of a grilled cheese sandwich “food porn”.
3yo: Mommy, look outside at the snow.
Me: It’s pretty isn’t it?
3yo: Yeah, it’s your favorite color.
Me: No, that’s not my fav—
3yo: Yes it is
Kids: We’re hungry!
Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.
The thing:
It’s so nice that Girl Scout Cookies come in single serving packages.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
As a kid in the 70’s when I told my dad I wanted to go to the movies to see Grease, he told me to go look in the lard can on the stove.
Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.
I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.
I want to cover you in expensive things like gasoline.
murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons
me: i’ll wait
[a food doesn’t agree with me] i don’t recall asking for your opinion
Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂