*4-yr old niece tells me about trip to Empire State Building
Her: It’s so tall, I almost touched the moon!
Me: Oh you are so full of shit!
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[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me
Note to self: always read the final line
if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
Aladdin: I can show you the world
Jasmine: lets go to New York!
Aladdin: hold on
Jasmine: then London
Aladdin: wait
Jasmine: and then-
Aladdin: listen you wanna see Agrabah I can show you Agrabah
[making a friend at work]
Brain: Make it weird
Me: *thinking* No stop it
Brain: Say something weird
Me: Get out of here, you
Coworker: What?
Dad, I think you need to pay the milk man. One of his goons is here
My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains
I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.
Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.
[1999]
“y2k” making us anxious
[2019]
“k” making us anxious
Co-worker: *tells story*
Me: I’m so sorry to hear that.
CW: What? It’s not a bad story.
Me: No, I’m just really sorry I had to hear it.
The only thing worse than a mandatory office get together, is a virtual mandatory office get together
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
2: I no want to eat pasta! It too spicy!
Me: Oh ok then
2: I no wan watch Mickey Mouse he too spicy!
Me: huh?
2: NO BATH TIME BATH TOO SPICY
*lights a scented candle in my house
*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother
Please watch those candles
9: *talks about Minecraft*
Me: *hears white noise* cool
9: *eyes narrow* which part was the coolest
Me: *eyes narrow* the part…
9:
Me: …with the…
9:
Me: *sweating*…ender dragon
9:
Me:
9: cool
Me: cool
Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.
My wife working in our garden: How does it look?
Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.
This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
[interrogation]
Cop: what were you doing last nite?
Me: I was killin my neighbour, Bert
Cop: louder for the tape please
Me [leaning in]: I was filling in paperwork. I’m a busy guy
*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*
i love having one cat who is an incredibly beautiful tragic princèss and one cat who is just like WGGLLBBYLAAAHHH
What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.
I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.
*sees sister’s facebook post that her dog died*
how do i tell her i love her & i’ll always be there for her
*clicks sad face button*
perfect
Me, as a vampire: Tell me, mortal…have you eaten anything spicy in the last 24 hours?
In the new Star Wars film, Han Solo goes to Chewbacca’s home planet and discovers that all the other Wookies wear pants.
Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one