*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope
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[walks into aquarium]
me: hi can I just use your bathroom?
employee: sorry it’s for patrons only
me: ok fine I’ll take four sharks
If the Unabomber was so smart, why did he pick such a suspicious name
Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
When I’m empty-handed my dog doesn’t know what the word ‘sit’ means, but if I have a treat she can perform neurosurgery.
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
They say kill ’em with kindness but it’s much quicker if you just take their phone charger away.
I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.
Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something
Ouija board: s o m e t-
Wife: that’s him
man i love columbo
Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.
A guy came up to me and said he loved my car selfies. Well, it was a cop and his actual words were “This ticket is for distracted driving.”
If a whale bit my leg, I would simply pursue him relentlessly until my obsessive hatred became my undoing
My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.
Me: *just trying to pick up my groceries in peace*
7: can I have a plastic ax? I promise I won’t hit you with it.
I probably would’ve had a better chance of winning back my ex-gf if I’d thought of something better to say than “I really miss your toilet noises”
[dad accidentally steps on the dog]
I’m sorry girl, I didn’t see you. Are you ok?[dad accidentally steps on me]
Why are you on the floor?!
I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting
accurate
I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.
Don’t tell your friend you like her sweater unless you mean it; she might knit you one.
TACOS DRINK A LOT BUT
If we add two more rings to plastic six-pack containers and throw them in the ocean the Octopus community can finally bust down on crime because now they’ll have adequate handcuffs.
Baby, it takes two to tango
But only one to tequila.
I called a chai latte a “chatte,” and my husband laughed and said that was “actually funny,” and it’s nice to have him finally recognize my genius.
[at the top of mt everest]
friend: i can’t believe we did it!
me: i know!
friend: what do you think of the view?
me: whoopi goldberg is amazing and the guest panelists they have always bring a fresh perspective but it should’ve stopped after season 15.
wowww it’s 2021 here in korea!! wanna know what the future is like?!!
– it is dark out
– everyone is asian
– my grandma is gently snoring
[breaking up yet another fight]
Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?
6-year-old: Because I always win.
I fold.
Origami Instructor: That’s why we’re here, yes.
[looking at pics]
Where’s that?
-Hawaii
Where’s that?
-Jamaica
Daddy where was I?
-You weren’t born
Why’s the folder called ‘Good Ole Days’?
Me: I forbid you to go!
Her: What was that?
Me: You heard me! I said, “I’d really appreciate it if you’d reconsider!”