My husband thinks I’m overzealous with the cleaning, but a friend is coming over and she might look behind the couch. We don’t know.
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*Dog begging for chocolate bar*
“Dogs are so dumb, always wanting stuff that’ll kill them.”
*lights cig, cracks beer, finishes burger*
Hot Hot Hot
Imagining the meeting I call to apologize to my co-workers for posting a video in which I publicly accused them of plotting my murder.
SON: Daddy, how come our snowman hasn’t melted, like everyone else’s?
ME: Because it’s made from leftover mashed potato son.
me: [receives unexpected money] omg i can’t wait to finally get stuff i’ve wanted
my house: what’s this about extra money?
*primitive gungans defeat battle droids*
*Stone Age ewoks beat elite stormtroopers*
*improbable underdog story defeats logic and reason*
[at funeral] You really had to see him live
It finally happened. A real human asked me to write an obit that stated “he died doing what he loved” and it took everything in me to keep my shit together about that.
[playground]
Woman: which one is yours?
My wife: over there [points to team of firefighters cutting me from a tire swing]
Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998
He’s a 10 but so is his volume.
Bruh. Did y’all know bears DON’T HAVE collarbones and can fit through your DOGGY DOOR?
Because I didn’t.
What’s the best way to dispose of a dead body? Was asking for a friend, but he was being a whiny shit about it, so now I’m asking for me.
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I’ve got chills. They’re doing advanced calculus and quadratic equations.
If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.
demon: [looking around inside me] dude no offence but it’s like kind of a nightmare in here
me: haha yeah
demon: how are all your thoughts in comic sans
Me: I’m on a diet.
Random: a diet is just what you eat. Technically everyone is on a diet.
Me: do you want to go fishing? Don’t worry about what the bucket and bags of cement are for.
Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?
Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.
I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks
Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.
Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues
Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*
Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
“Mom, look! Look! Are you watching, Mom?!”
a sea turtle lives for 150+ yrs despite threats from the moment she hatches and I will most likely slip in the shower and die from a bonk to the noggin
[fancy restaurant]
HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed
ME: this is my service chalupa
I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.
Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.
Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.
British people be like I’m Bri ish