[runs in out of breath, hands on my knees]
*you’re
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You wanna buy some land? That’s asking for a lot.
“Just make sure Nazis NEVER march with tiki torches. I’m trying to save Germany, not Gilligan’s Island.” — Hitler’s last words
Mother: A carrot is just a vegan hotdog.
*son looks at carrot*
Mother: [desperate] Bugs Bunny eats them!
Son: This is updoc.
Mother: What’s-
in case you were wondering how things are going these days for the generation that attended kindergarten exclusively via zoom…
our 6yo has started surreptitiously playing wordle on his school-issued chromebook while in class and skyping us his score
Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.
Oh Buddy. You’ve done more than make them think about it. You’ve bonded them forever in a group text where one of them will share a wedding photo or promotion news and one of the others will say “i don’t know, SMELLS LIKE FAILURE.” And then they’ll all die laughing.
I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.
Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?
Kid: What’s a phone book?
The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.
[yelling at a maple tree] Release your pancake sauce to me you piece of shit
They just announced step away from the windows at O’Hare because of a tornado warning and crazy storm, so about 10 people got up and walked towards the windows to take pictures.
dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone
NO SCREENS FOR THE WHOLE WEEKEND just fell out of my mouth and if divorce were a facial expression my husband just asked me for one
Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework
My sisters a doctor and she’s always on call. She’s an oncologist.
New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.
Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.
You get home from work early. You walk into the kitchen and your dog is peeling a potato. Startled, she yells “IT’S JUST A POTATO!”
#ambien
HER: I’m a gun enthusiast
ME [trying to impress]: I’m sweating bullets
I keep a notepad next to my bed so if I wake up with a great idea, I can write it down. Last night, I scribbled “fruit roll-ups,” and I’m not sure what it means, but I think I’m on to something brilliant.
I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.
Go Soccers!
Me: It’s hard to stay mad at a guy who shows up with pizza instead of a lame bunch of flowers.
Domino’s Delivery: Listen lady I’ve only been late one time.
That face-melting Nazi guy in ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’ but it’s just my makeup the second I step outside in the summer.
If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.
They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.
“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow
Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.
WIFE: I’m leaving
ME: Well it’s no suprise, our relationship has slowly deteriorated and I’m not sure we even like each other any more
WIFE: I’m leaving to go to the shops
ME: Ooh get tacos
*removing hair clog from drain*
Well wookiee here
I’m 45 yrs old. I have never turned on a flashlight without making the lightsaber noise