Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.
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I pronounce both Es in Ethan Hawke.
The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.
Buck naked
[Taken 26]
Abductor: I have your great granddaughter
LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago
Normal stickers: I peel off easy.
Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.
What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT
I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.
[Friday Night]
WIFE: Have fun at poker
ME {stopping at door}: What did you say?
W: Have fun
ME: After that
W: Uh…at poker-
ME: IT’S POKÉMON
me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel
also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti
The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80
If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.
him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.
My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.
Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son
Me: I dunno probably street fighter
Kids: [inside playing on their phones]
Me: OMG it’s beautiful today, go outside.
[3 minutes later]
Kids: [outside playing on their phones]
her: you seem really upset, what’s up?
me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess
Fireman: Is anyone else inside the house?
Me: Uh yes..my son is trapped in my room he- [fireman charges into blaze] ..HE LOOKS LIKE AN XBOX
I changed the pictures in the bathroom a year ago, my toddler just realized, your understanding is appreciated as she goes through this hard time
wife: I should have never let you take that morse code class
me: shhh *listening to the hail hit our roof* the storm is talking to me
In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?
Chairman: I’d like everyone to go over what they chose as their mascots.
Burger King: A king.
Wendy’s: A joyous child.
Mcdonald’s: I didn’t know we- um, a clown? Like a big nasty clown.
Chairman:
Mcdonald’s: A big nugget. Maybe purple. No wait how about a moist little thief?
#damn
I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”
We’d been married for 5yrs before we heard the patter of tiny feet. In time even the kids learned to live with the massive rat infestation
date: so how are you?
me: I’m doing good! how are-
guy behind me: you mean you’re doing “well”
date: who the hell is that
me: I told you I had a corrections officer
[SCIENCE FAIR]
ME: It’s a Pez dispenser, but for hot Pop-Tarts.
PRINCIPAL: This fair is for kids.
OTHER PARENT: Shut up, let him finish.
water solves a lot of problems.
want to lose weight? drink more water
having a bad day? take a shower
tired of someone’s bullshit? drown them
*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*
“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”
Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”