“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad
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The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.
Mom, can you take us to the maul?
-teen bears, probably
I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.
my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”
CO-WORKER: Ten minutes until quitting time!
ME: Wow, you’re resigning too?
A lawyer walks into a bar. A lawyer leaves the bar. A lawyer walks into the bar. A lawyer fails the bar because he was drunk.
BOSS: I want that report on my desk by friday
[1 a.m. thursday night]
ME (typing frantically): the surface is smooth, polished mahogany. top left drawer sticks a bit. corner is a little chipped
Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…
5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.
Now they are tenants together.
I was passing by, and I saw this guy in the bush shouting “Help, snake help”
I just laughed because I knew the snake wasn’t going to help him “
Have some fun at work: End every comment with a long slow wink
“My report is super late”
*long slow wink*“I swear I didn’t drink at lunch”
*long slow wink*“Oh, I’m fired?”
*long slow wink*
airline clerk: your bag is over 50 pounds so that’ll be an extra $25
me: yes, of course *checks high school physics notes* money reduces the impact of gravity on mass
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance
11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA
I’ve lost count of how many times in the past week I looked at my inbox and said, “How the hell did I get on this mailing list?” And “What could the CEO of Spanx possibly have to tell me about the coronavirus?”
Sure it’s cold, but I’m not going to break a sweat over it.
The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.
Mom, here’s a picture of my bf, he’s a musician
“That’s just the stock image that comes with the frame”
ur wrong, mom. Me and DJ 8×10 are in love
*Walks into brothel*
One chicken soup to go please
Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.
Guess who has a new ringtone.
The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.
Me: Bob, it’s pronounced CHANGING, not a-changin’.
Bob Dylan: ?
Me: Can someone teach Bob to say CHANGE?
*David Bowie stands up*
Me: Not you
***TRAVEL NEWS***
A truckload of E45 has overturned on its way to Sam from Cheers’ house. Agnetha from ABBA happened to be passing, so is helping to clear up the mess with a shovel.
See that girl.
Watch that scene.
Diggin’ the Danson cream.
Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.
[1st date]
me: do you want kids?
her: Yes
me: GREAT [pulls 7 babies out from under table] HERE’S MINE HAVE FUN GOTTA GO
[Review]
Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns*
Me: A car!
B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*
M: Well, a card’s still cool.
B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan.
M: Ok, I’m a medium.
B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.
Leave ‘em wanting more. That’s what I always
My 7yo asked her brother for a hug and it was the sweetest sibling moment, then off to school he went with a slap me sign on his back
My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…