Land animals by legs:
0: Probably a snake.
1: Not a snake.
2: You/Monkey.
3: Uh…
4: Varies, probably safe-ish.
>4: AAAAH KILL IT WITH FIRE.
You Might Also Like
My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.
Doctor: Any food allergies?
Patient: Sometimes dairy products disagree with me
Carton of milk: That’s not true
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me if I can sit for long periods of time, I want to say “Like a champion.”
Robin: Gee Bruce, how come you get to wear dark concealing colors and I have to wear bright Red, Yellow and Green?
Batman: You’re the decoy
This haunted house sucks. It’s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad.
Wait, this is real life? NOOOOOOOOOO!
*putting a top hat on my dog*
Dog: *thinking* Like I don’t already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.
Smoothies- the art of selling half a banana and a peach for £3.50.
#RubbishJokes #JokeDay
#FridayVibe
JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.
My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?
Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes
Years ago I went to a job placement agency.
I left disappointed.
Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.
The “I Voted” sticker should have a frowny face on it this year.
I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.
My nail technicians always speak their native language around me and I can’t help but feel left out…it’s like…come on besties…I want to make fun of me too
[At Fancy Restaurant]
Her: I’ll have the oxtail topped with quail egg.
Him: Gimme a steak.
Her: *glares
Him: Uhh, topped with a Cadbury?
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
Doctor: Describe your usual day
Me: Eat, wait to eat, eat, wait to eat, eat
Doctor: Okay I see the problem
Me: Right? So is there an anti-waiting pill, or
honestly, i need both:
people that say “on another note” probably use a lot of paper
Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive
There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.
*picks out all the marshmallows from your Lucky Charms*
*replaces them with Flintstones vitamins*You looked a little sickly.
I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.
It’s the 20th anniversary of Infinite Jest and the 6th anniversary of my buying Infinite Jest and never getting around to reading it.
I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!
A Southern Diner is a cross between Noah’s Ark and a Deep Fryer.
My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?
I want to be financially secure enough to pass up a dime lying in a parking lot. Like “I’ll leave that for someone who needs it”