Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.
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[wife in labor]
*i press play on cassette
{Ice Cube – You Can Do It}
Wife:WHAT THE HELL
Me: sorry hun
*ff to {SaltNPeppa – Push It}
“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs.
But I couldn’t help myself. I sneaked in and watched him. Watched him make his stupid little peach shoes, taunting.
“Nobody’s going to wear those,” I’d say. “They’re stupid.”
But on he worked.
I was so happy my mail order bride arrived today.
My Wife wasn’t.
She did say I can use the crate as a doghouse.
Odd, we don’t own a dog.
“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West
wife: [crying] “he always calls me weird pet names”
therapist: “what do you mean?”
me: [arriving late] “what’s wrong my little hovercraft?”
Boss: you’re late
Me: *grabs his coffee* thanks, though it’s pronounced ‘latte’
Please allow children to believe in Santa. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining it for you.
judge: what do you have to say for yourself
scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers
judge: oh damn
I was sitting there getting my hair cut, when a spider ran across the floor.
And that’s how you accidentally get bangs.
Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..
a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs
Movie idea: Channing Tatum and Chris Hemsworth are called on by the US government to take their shirts off and punch people who read books.
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
It was when I stabbed a Capri Sun perfectly the first time, right in that grey circle, that I knew I wanted to be an assassin.
When I was in 8th grade, I tried to get this guy to break up with me. So, when he would call me I would just sing N Sync songs to him.
I still had to break up with him.
MY 6YO SON: We’re on Earth, where outer space can’t find us. It wants to kill us, so we hide out here.
ME: [terrified] Eat your cereal, kiddo
[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy
My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.
But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
Them: You look tired.
Me: *punches them in their face* Well, you look injured.
Well well well… looks like someone put on some weight again.
~ my pants right now
clean window: [exists]
toddlers: what’s that taste like
if she doesn’t reciprocate ur first “i love u”, press ur finger to ur strategically placed bluetooth & say “oh cool u love me too? nice”
The internet is magic sometimes.
So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known
Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.
Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’
Do you want to taunt a snowman?
Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.
Stray dog: digs through garbage all day to find one piece of food to survive.
My dog: eats one piece of new kibble and vomits because it’s not his favorite brand. Goes on a hunger strike.