Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.
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When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.
And they do.
And I am.
I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
I just ran over a tree, a 5’2″ blonde screaming tree with a purse.
The Royal Family is doing casting calls for blurry white women with brown hair.
Blurry girlies everywhere are like this is our time
ME: I think I chipped a tooth
GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time
Me: There’s nothing like a warm bowl of tomato soup
Trick or treaters: You know we’re gonna egg your house, right?
Those three magical words:
“Where’s the plunger?”
Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway
WIFE: remember to pick him up at 5
ME: ok
[later]
ME: [dropping 3-year-old son off at daycare] see ya in 2 years, bud
[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning
When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.
Took my fluffy little dog to the beach thinking maybe he’d frolic around in the water, play fetch, dig a hole in the sand. He ran straight for a dead seagull and rolled around on its carcass
I like my women how I like my straws ….
Bendy and full of liquor.
No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.
Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you
“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it
I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.
“He is usually nice and fills my dish, but this morning he stepped on my tail and I made an alarmed high pitched noise.”
-yelp review
maintenance guy came into the men’s room at work and shouted “is anyone in here?” and in a normal speaking voice someone in the cubicle next to me said “why?”
Boy, are you a destination wedding? Cuz I can’t come.
*Inspirational Tweets*
Sister: “Family shot time”
Me: “Whooo Hoooo….drink drink drink drink!”
Sister: [holds up camera]
“I want to take a picture”Me: oh
*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.
Her: I feel like you aren’t listening to me.
Me: No thanks, I’ve eaten.
No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
Getting my second jab today. They’re making me sign a form confirming I’ve been repeatedly told the vaccine won’t allow me to survive being fired from a trebuchet into the tree where the squirrels took my mars bar.
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.
one time on mushrooms i decided i should be living off nuts & seeds like a little squirrel, so I went to Whole Foods and blew my whole paycheck on nuts & seeds. then all week I had no money and DID have to live off nuts & seeds, and let me tell you I WAS SO WRONG. it sucked
[Joining a gang]
me: so who do I stab for initiation?
members: again, this is a book club