I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.
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I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards
Just know that if I go up to the hand sanitizer machine and it doesn’t dispense anything, I’m still running my hands together. 🙏🏼
I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.
what do we want?
SELF CONFIDENCE.
when do we want it?
WHENEVER YOU HAVE TIME IF THAT’S OK?
I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.
[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!
[Bar]
me: Gimme one more
wife: I think you’ve had enough
m: Last one
w: Fine
m: *asks waitress for another kids menu so I can do the maze*
A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
Give your kid a bowl of chips, and he’ll eat for a few minutes. Let him dump out a bag of chips in the car, and he’ll eat for a whole week
Twenty bucks to anyone who shows up at my funeral, leans into the casket and says “You okay buddy? Do you want to go get some ice cream?”
These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.
Effort made
What if I’ve been finding a new single sock in the dryer and not losing one, all along?
Worst Excuses For Being Late
5) Too many dragons
4) Out of dragons
3) I’m not late, Steve is
2) Time is fake
1) Made a list of excuses
The six year old has started saying “wanna hear a joke” and then reciting various compound words like “watermelon. water. melon. GET IT?!” and i always laugh but just between you and me i don’t get it
The most magical part of the holiday season is when my husband looks lovingly into my eyes and says, what did we get my mom for Christmas?
I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …
her: what do you want?
me: to pay for my sins
her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru
me: I mean to pay for my McSins
I usually spend my Sundays texting apologies but I’ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.
[Robbery]
Sloth Man: I’ll use my powers to make the criminals fall asleep.
*Runs to bank*
*Reaches bank 18 hrs later*
SM: How’d they escape?
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.
“My buddy can’t get a date it’s wild”
That sucks. What’s he like?
“He’s in great shape, hits the gym,”
But what’s his personality-
“He makes so much money. He has three Ferraris.”
How’s his personali-
“He wears three gold watches & a gold hat. Why doesn’t he have a gf”
My grandma used to read me the Bible before bed and then switched to a book about the Wright Brothers without telling me, so I thought airplanes were in the Bible til I was like, 15.
[if my cat tweeted]
When “over 38” is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.
I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
The shopkeeper in my local store is such a nice guy and he often offers candy for my kids. I’ve resisted so far but if he throws in a quart of vodka too he has himself a deal.
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
I couldn’t figure out how I cut my arm but then I realized I brushed arms with the guy with the barbwire tattoo.