I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
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I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.
Sometimes, I feel like doing high five on their face
The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.
My husband knew I’d never wear slippers because that’s where spiders lay their eggs and he still married me so I think that makes him the weirdo
I did a bad I need to share
I broke a thing they can’t repair
I tried denial I tried despair
But settled on a vacant stare
“Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”
– Twitter IT engineer that pressed the button for the 280 character limit update
My pappy died in the sea. Not even his old chum could save him. In fact, that’s exactly what brought the sharks in the first place
how i look when they bring my wings at pluckers.
“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*
ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today
LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test
My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.
date: I’m sick of bad boys, I want something more
me: *puts Bad Boys 2 into the VCR* this is gunna blow your mind
It’s my house, and I will sleep on the couch if she wants!
I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.
ceo: our customers are demanding ziploc seals for all of our bagged foods
product engineer: ok do you want me to make them easy to open
ceo: lol no
Pulls out flip phone, flips open, stares at screen, closes, clips back to hip.
Phone doesn’t even work; I do it for the ladies on the bus.
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
[Being a public nuisance, drinking from a paper bag]
[Cop approaches, grabs bottle]
[It’s 40 oz of Yoohoo]
Cop: where did you even get this
My oldest chicken is going through henopause
*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.
A new reality show “So You Think You Don’t Suck at Singing” where contestants vie for priority access to their local karaoke circuit
crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged
[wife checking on me and the kids]
Hello
“I called the house, you didn’t answer.”
I went out.
“Ok. Well how have they been?”
How’s who been?
Does anyone know where I can hire a pirate ship, a sturdy crew and a young boy who can read haunted treasure maps? The reason? It’s… for a podcast I’m doing.
cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit
me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better
cop: you need to maintain the speed limit
me: *knocks book out of cops hands*
cop: are you trying to get arrested
me: yes please
Twitter is cool because you can sit in your underwear and talk to friends and if you try that in real life you will no longer be allowed within 500 feet of ANY Starbucks
One day, some dude was all “You know where we should save our money? Inside a statue of a pig,” and everybody went “That is a GREAT idea.”
What if we made sidewalks into trampolines? Fun and springy to walk on, and if someone looks at you wrong you can always bounce them into tomorrow.