I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.
You Might Also Like
Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.
*peeking out the curtains, sighing heavily* Honeyyyy we’ve got sexy singles in our area again
*getting the broom*
Shoo! Shoo! Terry, you have to stop leaving hard seltzers on the porch, it attracts them,
“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.
[first day as a drug dealer]
Buyer: got any Morphine?
Me: I’m gonna be honest with you [searching through fannypack] I don’t know what Feen is.
You know you spend too much time online when you’re looking for a suitcase to pack for a vacation with your girlfriend only to find out she took it when she moved out.
Celebrity dumping an ice bucket on himself to raise money? Cute. Humanity dumping an ice cap on itself to raise sea levels? HILARIOUS.
Baby Judge: You’re sentenced to 3 jars of strained peas.
*baby bailiffs drop their squeaky toys*
*an infant juror spits up*
From my Mom
[first day as a waiter]
customer: excuse me, there’s a fly in my soup??
me: so sorry about that! *drops a spider in the soup* that should take care of it
Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home
Police – OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN
Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR
Lady at the dollar store checked to see if my $20 was fake. Like if I could counterfeit money I’d be shopping at the dollar store.
Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.
Someone told me once you can’t keep complaining about something if you’re not gonna do anything about it. But I’ve found that you can, pretty easily.
[wife gets home] did you feed the baby his spinach today?
[me doing push ups] hell no I’m not letting that baby get stronger than me
Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY
Son: *carrying damaged produce*
Me: Drop that sick beet!
GOD: okay everyone gets one thing from this bag of traits
ELEPHANT: i shall take a long nose
GOD: how fun
BUTTERFLY: i shall have beautiful wings
GOD: oho yes very charming
MOSQUITO: i shall be a heinous little b***h
GOD: you know what this is my fault i did put that in the bag
Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming
*returning snake to the pet store* my hamsters won’t come out of this tunnel
Caesar: friends, Romans countryman lend me your ear…
[2 days later]
*Caesar opens mailbox*
“oh FFS Van Gogh IT’S A SAYING!!!!!’
me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
PEOPLE WITH CHRONICALLY MOIST HANDS:
When you have dry lips, rub them on your palms.
I call it Lip palm.
It’s free.
i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out
Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?
genie: please no
millipede: more legs
The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.
[JAIL VISITATION]
WIFE: I got u a cake
ME: U know I don’t like sugar
W: U need a BREAK, OUT of ur diet
M: It’s not a diet, it’s a lifestyle
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: please give me another chance, I’m struggling to put food on the table
BOSS: that’s the problem…you’re the worst waiter I’ve ever hired
[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”