You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both
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Today I quit drinking wine for good.
Now I only drink for evil.
Apparently my wife believes that if she didn’t tell me where to turn when I’m driving I’d just keep going straight until I hit an ocean.
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
ME: What do you recommend? It’s our anniversary
WAITRESS AT WAFFLE HOUSE: You should try a waffle
who will stop them
“Jurassic Park” is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
This surgeon yelling at me in the physician’s lounge. He thinks I’m a med student. I’m just gonna keep letting him yell at me and then put on my attending hospitalist badge, say “ok then” and leave.
If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too
Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother
Sitting here eating blueberries
wondering if my brain is improving
Doubt it…..
took too long to spell doubt
I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.
Leg day is just a fake day invented by Big Leg to sell more leg
Before you feel flattered that I have a crush on you, please remember that I’ve spent the last hour and a half fantasizing about a sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit.
The best things in life are free.
Stealing is awesome.
When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!
What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.
If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not
ME: honey, just tap me on the arm tonight if you think I’ve gotten too drunk
WIFE: I’ve been tapping your arm for the last 2 hours
Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate
Me: I got the buffet 🤭
I want to be a lighthouse keeper who doesn’t go mad but instead maintains a healthy balance between making sure the light stays lit and my friends and family understand they come first unless I have to change the lightbulb.
Another family? In this one I want to be the cross-dressing uncle, @funTweeters.
I once made the irresponsible decision to drink and drive and now I have to live the rest of my days with a coffee stain on my favorite sweater.
Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.
WIFE: you probably need a shower
KID: why? how do I smell?
ME: *without looking up* with your nose
[ no-look high five from WIFE ]
My mother: A high forehead is a sign of intelligence.
Me: What does that even mea—
My mother: You have a low forehead.
normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking
If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.
Me: I blocked my own alt account earlier
My therapist: *on phone* Honey, it’s him again…I’m gonna be home late
My 6-year-old: Why did you give money to that man?
Me: Some people don’t have a home or job & need help. We may not have a ton of money, but-
6: Is that because you keep giving it away??