Me: *opening trunk*
Tied up Guy: ope
Me: omg this isn’t my car
Tied up Guy:
Me: I’m one row over this is so embarrassing
Tied up Guy: happens to everyone
Me: *closing trunk* ugh I’m so sorry
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Phones down.
OK…so naked running…
Apparently this means running without GPS, music, and any other tech.
I wish I knew this an hour ago.
Oh, and send bail money.
The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.
Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.
Clarissa didn’t explain this at all
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
My safe word is “insufficient funds”.
Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.
There’s nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.
Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One
It used to be cool to see fighters from different disciplines compete in mixed martial arts, but then the guys with swords started winning everything and they had to change the rules.
Life hack:
Do all the dishes after your kids go to bed so you can have clean silverware for the first 47 minutes of the next day.
I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.
Here, there, and everywhere.
I’m thru spelling thru “through.”
Enough is enuf.
*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*
On the surface: cool as a cucumber…
On the inside: squirrel in traffic…
I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.
Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?
trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you
Any body can be a summer body if it’s discovered between the months of June and September
Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
“Why don’t you slip into something a little… less comfortable?” He tentatively asks while eyeing my knock-off Tweety Bird shirt with multiple sketti sauce stains.
I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away
You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.
College: You’re a very bright kid and we’d like to offer you a scholarship.
Ian: I’d prefer a scholarcar.
College: We’d like to withdraw our offer.
50-year-old drunk bully: “Your mouth is writing checks your body can’t cash.”
20-year-old: “What’s a check?”
My career goal is to immortalize every travel nightmare on the silver screen
– Tom Hanks, probably
first date idea we go to marriage counseling
My theory is that planet of the apes wasn’t really about apes but people who spent a long time in lockdown without access to a hairdresser
Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.