I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.
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“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”
Wife said “these kids are leaving the lights on” so looks like I have some competition in the dad department.
I should be able to publicly wear a CLOAK without being questioned. Am I a medieval archer? Will I recite poetry by a babbling brook? Can I restore my own HP and the HP of all nearby party members? Only God can judge me, dipshits
Horror reviews are my favorite thing because they’ll be like “This book is vile. It gave me mono and siphoned all the gas from my car. It is a literal cursed object and I don’t feel safe around it. Five huge stars.”
In Flo-Rida’s song “Low” he states that Shawty is wearing the apple bottom jeans, the boots with the fur AND the Reeboks with the straps, what is she some kind of four legged morph woman? In all honesty I’m not surprised the whole club is looking at her
Life is stupid. You can ACCIDENTALLY make a baby but you can’t ACCIDENTALLY make a cake.
[titanic, 1912]
Captain: what kind of lettuce do u want on your sandwich
First mate: ICEBERG
Captain: lol no need to shout, Dave
how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something
my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that’s not fried
It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…
Astrology seems kinda silly to me, but what do I know? I’m a Pisces, and we’re just so damn indecisive.
Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”
Me: “No, there are explanations.”
“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
I say: ‘Pls watch that pothole’.
My son hears: ‘Pls drive through that pothole with the force of a thousand jackhammers’.
THE WORLD WOULD BE SOOOOO MUCH HAPPIER IF EVERYBODY WAS A DUCK
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke!
Alexa: You’re definitely going to finish that home improvement project this weekend.
When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.
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Deck the halls. Kick the windows. Strike the doors. Pummel the chandeliers. Clog the toilets. You will defeat this house.
it’s sundress season and i have several dresses with pockets and and if you don’t think i’m gonna use them to carry spicy chicken nuggets and mini babybels, you are mistaken
cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
me *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”
I was in the first Top Gun movie.
I was the Marine actually working out in the background while the Navy took time off to play little volleyball games.
Women do not want to hear what you think..
They want to hear what they think..
In a deeper voice……
“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.
I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.
Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.
Would definitely get your blood pumping waking up to that…😳🤣🦏🦮
LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!