The fact that ‘head and shoulders’ doesn’t have a body wash called knees and toes is as much as a disappointment to me, as I am in myself, for writing this Tweet.
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Me: Should we have macaroni salad or potato salad at the BBQ?
Husband: Can we talk about this when we’re not having sex?
I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato
Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.
Zoo security guy: We know you’ve stolen a parrot. Hand it over.
Me: Why would you accuse me? Is it because I’m brown??
From inside my jacket: Is it because I’m brown??
“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”
Midwesterners: hold my beer
[Commercial for lawnmowers]
[Exhausted looking guy stood in his garden]
*Stabs a long sword into the grass*
“There has to be a better way”
Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.
LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer
Me: we can all get along and live in unity
Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t
me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new
all i did was tell my dad i’m anaemic 😭😭
*pokes sex life with a stick
My wife and I are 3 weeks in on researching and discussing air fryers and if it is worth losing the counter space. Middle age Christmases are wild.
I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling?
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.
I hugged my youngest son today and asked him “how’s my favorite son?” and from the next room the oldest son shouted “I heard that!”
If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July
“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.
STICK BUG WIFE: We can’t seem to get pregnant
DOC: Well, we ran numerous tests…
STICK BUG WIFE: …and?
DOC: Your husband’s an actual stick
My 1 yr old only says the words “no,” “mine,” and “bye” and I tried it out and it turns out that’s actually all you need.
My God: dead.
My world: disenchanted.
My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.
[ugly sweater contest]
*starts sweating*
*takes home the gold*
Me: I spent HALF as much as YOU usually do on groceries.
Wife: Congratulations.
[2 hours later]
Me: We have nothing to eat in this house.
My son walked in from kindergarten and set his backpack down with a sigh. “Tough day today,” he said. “A lot of stress.” “What happened?” I asked. “We started the letter J today,” he replied. “It’s giving me lots of trouble.”
“You’re driving us apart!” —Crazy woman you met on eHarmony who’s hanging onto your windshield wipers as you turn the corner
Parenting toddlers: [stressing out because they never stop talking]
Parenting teenagers: [stressing out because they never talk]
[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?
“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”