being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita
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FWD: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: THE DOGS HAVE LEARNED HOW TO EMAIL THIS IS YOUR DOG HELLO SUSAN
when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair
My wife bought me a nice jacket at a second hand store but it has the name Bubba embroidered on it, I guess I’m Bubba now.
i do not get doomsday preppers i’m immediately giving up i am not trying to survive nuclear winter you will not catch me doing any mad max shit i’m quitting
My mom, watching a scary movie: Be careful if you’re going in the backyard, I thought I saw someone walking around out there.
Me: What. Like a cat?
My mom: No, it was definitely bigger than that.
All. The. Damn. Time.
I took someone else’s coffee at Starbucks. I’m Tiffany now
“SO SANTA DOESN’T BELIEVE IN FORGIVENESS?!?” – my 5 year old destroying the “naughty list” bluff is the best gift he could have given me
Boss: If you fall asleep again today, I’ll fire you
Me: ok
Boss: Now go and do the sheep inventory
Me: oh no
me: it is lonely at the top.
therapist: yes, but why is it written under ‘ describe your sex life?’
Comcast: “Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?”
Me: “No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.”
I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.
“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door
I really don’t believe all of these women on here are actually named “Sassy”
I’ve done a lot of crazy things in my life. Things I’m not proud of. Things I should be ashamed of. And I hope I’m not finished.
A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?
“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun
“Ham with pineapple is delicious, so why not on pizza?” The executioner throws the torch on the pyre, without strangling me first.
Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR
An owl showing some catlike behavior.
There are people who will follow you for your Avi, so either look cute or put a pizza pic.
She just wanted a better look at her surroundings
The transition from Lego kid to Nerf kid provides a lot of relief to parents’ feet.
[robbing a bank]
Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go
Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit
the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk
[Pollock family game night]
Jackson: K who’s gonna be my partner for Pictionary —
Mom: Not it
Dad: Not it
Sis: Not it
Gramma: DAMN IT
“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean
My friend reluctantly let her 10yo attend a birthday party before family pictures and asked that she do her best not to get muddy. She did not, however, specify that she shouldn’t get her face painted in camouflage. We’re all very excited for this year’s Christmas card.
Me: check out this new gadget. It carbonates anything!
Friend: cool
Me: yeah even blood
Friend: um I gotta go
Me: lol no you’re staying
Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day