My teen’s sleeve got wet because I didn’t put the water bottle cap on correctly and you’d think I just snapped his Nintendo switch in half.
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Me: HAIL SATAN!!
Her: What?
Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.
Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
Seeing a lot of Facebook posts about kids going to school but not seeing any follow ups about them coming home, what in the damn hell is going on
An avocado is a vegan kinder egg
What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?
in movies the saddest thing a single woman can do is eat a microwave dinner, but a true rock bottom is eating a hot dog with normal bread as a bun…studios are too scared of that reality
English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language
I try not to drink in the office because if the boss finds out he may ask me to share
I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.
date: so you have any hobbies?
me: i play a guitar sometimes.
date: oh i’d love to see that.
me: okay [clears throat] look at me i’m a guitar!
Dr. Reverse Psychology: Fine, have it your way, hero.
Captain Resplendent: Aghhh! Reverse psychology. My only weakness.
DRP: Muahahaha!
CR: *weakening* It’s my… only… Kreeptonite.
DRP: Oh no! Mispronounciations are my Kryptonite.
CR: Kreeptonite.
DRP: *weakens further*.
Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.
My husband knows this now.
[work phone rings]
Customer: I realize ur closing but I just have a quick question
“Good, because it’s 4:59 and I-”
Now, it all started back in ’82 when I had my knee replacement surgery
Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!
– Toddlers
ME: i’m depressed
FRIEND: cheer up essential oils will make you feel better
ME: *sprays him with pepper spray* hey it worked
Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies
Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings
Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”
My 5yo believed the classmate who said that a snake struck him in the mouth and knocked out his two front teeth, but she won’t believe me when I tell her that she MIGHT like what I’ve made for dinner.
NOT EVERYONE WAS KUNG FU FIGHTING, MOM. SOME OF US WERE TRYING TO BREAK IT UP.
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
ROMAN SOLDIER: Which one of you is Spartacus?
REBEL SLAVE 1: I’M SPARTACUS!
REBEL SLAVE 2: I’M SPARTACUS!
ME: I’m Scartapus! No, wait, I mean I’m Sta…I’m Spor… I’m Sharktopus! I’m–
ROMAN SOLDIER: Stop, we get it.
ME: Yeah, you get it. I’m that guy. *pointing at Spartacus*
The locals are gushing over my poor axe handling skills
I like to wear different wigs to confuse my enemies. If they sent you to the babe with fringe guess who I am now? The girl with braids. Ooops
All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”
Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve bacteria here.”
And the bacteria says, “But we work here. We’re staph.”