*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*
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Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?
Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.
Just told a teen about the music I listened to when I was her age & she said “that’s cool, I love the oldies,” so today I do my first murder
stop being so defensive i am just trying to hit you with weapons
wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.
FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car
[hours later after date]
HER: It’s been 18 miles
ME: I insist
HER: But you drove both of us
My kid has stolen my heart. And my sleep. Aaaaand my snack.
Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…
Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.
Look, at the beginning of vacation you wear a cute form-fitting dress. The end of the trip you wear a tarp from Home Depot. Please don’t make me explain.
You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.
Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!
You’re welcome!
My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.
While Twitter was down yesterday, I managed to finish my book report on War and Peace…. of course it was due in 1978, but that’s not really relevant here.
People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS
I fully support any type of marriage that doesn’t involve me.
The conversation w customer service has essentially been
“Hey yall said i violated the terms of service but i genuinely dont know what i did”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Aight but whatd i do”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Elaborate tho??”
*crickets*
A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town
5: I can count to 90!
Me: Really? Show me!
5: Ok here we go…
1
2
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8
9
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90Me: Nailed it.
[sees kid crying in grocery store]
hey little guy
[kneels down to his level]
Can you please move you’re blocking the Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
My college roommate made a student film about a guy’s life falling apart from drugs. A neighbor saw the baking soda lines on the Frankenstein poster in my room. She whispered, “Is Jake ok? Now I know why he looks so strung out.” “It’s fine, he’s just an engineering student.”
“1-1-9, what’s your non-emergency?”
Caller:
“Just kidding, you dialed it right. Thought you could use a laugh right about now.”
“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.
Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.
Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”
Me: “My personal identification number number?”
*he stabs me*
No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….
Of COURSE the government would keep aliens a secret from you people. You can’t even handle different kinds of humans.
Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?
Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.