So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.
Apparently.
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My favourite child is the one who just told me I’m so funny. Don’t know her name yet but she lives down the street.
the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”
“Now?”
“Not yet.”
“Now?”
“Not quite.”
*Car approaches*
“Now?”
“Now.”
-Deer crossing the road
I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.
[internet meet up, 1999]
Maybe I shouldn’t go. They might murder me.
[internet meet up, 2019]
Definitely going. Hopefully they’ll murder me.
i gave my 4-year-old bubble wrap from a package and he thanked me for his christmas present. now i can’t stop thinking of all the money i could have saved
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
*recovering from a broken ankle*
My dogs: Let us protect you by making sure we are under every. single. step.
I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas
Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees
Dear Middle School,
How about a separate science fair for kids who did their own projects?
Sincerely,
Parent Who Can’t Build A Robot
The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018
ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*
What about a To-Don’t List?
Why do paintings of people centuries ago never show pimples? Ur telling me these people who drank shit water and took baths 2x a decade had clear skin?
“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.
FOR SALE: air guitar, never played
therapist: so what’s the problem?
me: i have crippling self-doubt
therapist: are you sure?
me: …
therapist: …
me: no
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
I think it’s obvious that Goo Goo Dolls and Lady Gaga should do a side project together and call it Goo Goo Gaga.
Life Tip: If you’re ever attacked by a shark, compliment his smile. Sharks are very vain and susceptible to flattery.
I hate when I wake up hungry and stay that way for 32 years
*walks up to cashier with paper towels*
Are these the largest tampons you have?
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
Gimme a cheese sub, hold the cheese
“Um, just the bread?”
No bread thanks
“I erm?”
Just butter my hand. And quit gawping I ain’t got all day
[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what
Punctuation Matters. Period.
The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.