My husband bought me a holiday throw pillow after complaining that we have too many throw pillows. He said “Holiday pillows don’t count because they’re temporary.”
I don’t think he understands the floodgate he just opened.
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I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño
I love that old saying that goes “If your drink doesn’t kill you make it stronger”… or something like that.
I think it’s finally time for me to get those ice cubes I’ve been saving under the refrigerator.
During a public forum, an audience member angrily called me a “stupid ***hole” and immediately others defended me yelling in response, “He’s not stupid!”
I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.
never forget
Found a ring on a walk today with my husband. It’s our anniversary so he tells me “glad you found my gift…happy anniversary!!!”
Cop: Suspect located, we’re in hot pursuit
Me: *rolling down window* I THINK YOU’RE CUTE TOO!
sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel
ME: Brad’s here
HUSBAND: Brad who needs space or Brad who’s paranoid about being murdered?
BRAD: OMG u 2 are smothering me
ME: I’ve no idea
Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.
god: i need you to get me some teeth
fairy: what
god: from children
fairy: WHAT
god: ok fine pay them
Pizza places should give away free pizza car air-freshners. Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL crave pizza.
I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
Does this dress make me look cat?
With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.
I don’t hold grudges. I pose with them.
“Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.
Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.
Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.
Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?
*watching tv
Me: “Don’t just stand there, idiot! Run! Escape while there’s still time! God, I can’t watch”
Wife: (turns off wedding video)
This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket
The hiring manager calling me for an interview just said uhm about 300 times. Does that mean I got the job?
The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.
There must be so many advantages to being a president or a king, but I’d wager that the most exciting of all is never having to carry your own house keys.
Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?
Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled “supplies!”
Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here
Oldest kid: [Sick]
Youngest kid: [Sick]
Wife and me: [Staring each other down]
Wife: [Sneezes]
Me: Hahaha there can only be one-
Wife: [Sneezes on me]