Always a bridesmaid never a vengeful ghost in a glowing fog.
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Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
Them: omg, I haven’t seen you in so long
Me: yeah that was on purpose
I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.
Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.
If you know karate you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.
I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.
Parenting is easy.
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
Me:
Mime:
Me: You don’t say!
A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.
I made a clone of myself to do the dishes, another to do the laundry, and another to do the cooking, but we’re all sitting on the couch watching tv.
I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano
INTERVIEWER: it says here on your resume that you’re good at small talk?
ME: ʸᵉˢ
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
Mothers just don’t eat their young like they used to.
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.
“I need a woman who can help me grow”
First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to speak to the manager.
Me: I love the way the rib meat just falls off the bone
Other surgeons: what
American: We’re really not that gun-obsessed.
Brit: Where did you get that t-shirt.
American:
Brit:
American: FROM A CANNON BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT
Wolf: Woof!
Me: Omg Pokémon do exist.
A tartan is what you get when you sunbathe on the asphalt
Apparently, “over-the-counter medication” doesn’t mean climbing over the counter at the pharmacy and helping yourself.
*sinks into depression*
Depression: “Wrong hole.”
I might not be girlfriend material but I’m definitely
This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂
bank robber: everyone against the wall. this is a hostage situation
me, a person extremely susceptible to stockholm syndrome: [tries to hold robber’s hand] hey
Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?