I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”
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Good foods can release dopamine which the brain can interpret as attraction and totally unrelated I made you some chicken parm & fried risotto balls & crispy grilled potatoes & baked you this cake. And an apple pie & cookies and I baked you a loaf of bread for no reason at all
I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.
Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.
Every time I cross the border into Canada they search my car with a fine tooth comb.
Maybe I should take off the “Honk if you love the Taliban” bumper sticker.
I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.
The 4 Major Types of Twitter DMs:
Sup
Hello dear
Thanks for the follow!
Would you rather die at the hands of a koala or kangaroo?
i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig
I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.
Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means
Dementor: what the hell
ME: i wish girls would flock to me
GENIE: ok
ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A
11.45: Arrived at crime scene
11.45: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11.45: Found murder weapon in drain
11.45: Realised watch was broken
Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.
ME: I love u
GF: omg
ME: and I wanna be with u always
GF: *crying*
ME: [gets down on 1 knee] will u–
GF: U ARE DISRESPECTING THE FLAG
MAGICIAN: can you pass me my top hat?
MAGICIAN’S ASSISTANT: what’s the magic word?
MAGICIAN: *sigh* can you abracadabra pass me my top hat?
Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that
The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.
Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.
Darling
I never drive behind someone with a dream catcher hanging from the rearview mirror.
DO YOU THINK YOU MIGHT FALL ASLEEP AT ANY MOMENT?!?
ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not
I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna
oh to be a capybara in an open air bath with an orange on its head
Me: Know any potato jokes?
My husband: What has eyes but cannot see?
My six year old: What has eyes but cannot see? A blind person. That’s so obvious.
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know
Teacher: Any questions
*raises hand*
T: NO DUMB ONES
“Can you see continent names from space”
T: FOR FU-..ugh…Not if it’s cloudy bud
my cat was hiding under my bed like a paranoid weirdo so I put his bowl under there and he spurned it all day long & I forgot about it and of course I just awoke to the terrifying sound of an animal devouring something under my bed
Leaving hotel: please if possible try not to trash the room like a 70s rock band. But no worries if you do
Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes.