Me: my imposter syndrome is pretty bad. I feel like I don’t deserve to be here, I’m not good enough
Satan: what
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her: HELP ME! I’m bleeding out!
me: Not on my watch you aren’t!
her: Oh, my hero! Thank you!
me [tucking watch in pocket] Huh?
“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
“911? Help, my house is burning down!”
“Sir, we’re sending the fire brigade right now.”
“I HAVE ENOUGH FIRE I DON’T NEED A BRIGADE OF IT.”
It has come to my attention that I was mistaken in my adamant assertion that Mountain Dew is in fact “morning dew collected from the sides of mountains.” I will not be paying you the one million dollars on our bet as I have no money. Sincere regards,
peep davidson
Hello Darkness my old friend.
Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.
Hate it when I can’t find my slippers so I have to stand upon the wings of my pet pterodactyl Benedict as he fetches me the morning paper
Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.
#FoundAtGrandmasHouse
Grandpa’s welcome sign
Me: Is…is this a toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Why did you hand me a toenail?
Kid: Because I want to take it home
Me: Is it YOUR toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Throw it out, please
Kid: No, it’s a part of me
Me: Do you save all your toenails?
Kid: No…should I?!
Me: DEAR GOD, NO!
I’m obsessed with you. Not like peak through your window obsesseHEY I LIKE THAT DRESS WEAR THAT ONE
My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up
*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*
Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.
divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭
7yo: Did you drink coffee before we were born?
Me: Yes
7yo: Did you eat pancakes?
Me: Yes
7yo: What didn’t you do?
Me: Talk while peeing.
If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
who wants to come over and snake my drain this weekend?
(this is not a euphemism I am standing in two inches of bathwater)
Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..
For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.
I get it fish, my body is also beer battered
Wife: I told you not to buy the kids a trampoline.
Me: I didn’t
[bounce]
Me: buy the kids
[bounce]
Me: a trampoline.
[bounce].
me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby
My wife left me for a fisherman.
Poor guy’s still reeling.
rich people: i’m on a list?
lawyer: yes
rich people: forbes?
lawyer: no
I got ill after borrowing a colleague’s leather bag. The test results showed I’d picked up a satchelly transmitted disease.