[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog
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Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.
I remember when the only in-flight movie choices were either you watched or you didn’t
I’ll be with you every day, always and forever.
Me: you are laundry, stop talking
Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
I ain’t never seen a alligator so happy to be getting a toothbrush bath 😭
if all my dreams come true then the next time i go grocery shopping i’ll start mopping up a spill because suddenly i work there but then realize i forgot to wear pants so i’ll try to run home but my legs are made of rubber and then all my teeth fall out so stop wishing that on me
north carolina to sue over bathroom bill
hillary: stop calling him that
Gmail: Please sign in again for your safety.
Chrome: oh wait, I remember the password, never mind.
What if animals “were” injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits? Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.
Confuse people by complimenting them, but with a tone that implies you’re really surprised
My three-hour meeting ended 18 minutes early and the leader told us all to “enjoy that free time, take care of ourselves and relax” like she had just given us all free weeklong Princess cruises
marriage is so goth. it’s like “I’m in this until DEATH” jfc dude settle down
Being fluent in Spanish is all fun and games until you’re put in a professional setting and all you know is Spanish del rancho
I don’t want to “agree to disagree,” I want you to say uh huh and I say nuh uh and you say uh huh until we’ve resolved this.
How do I raise my kids? Simple, I grab them under their arm pits, bend at the knees and stand up, how else would you do it?
I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.
Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.
me: [robbing a bank] ok everybody hands in the air
everyone: [puts hands up]
me: [already mad with power] one hop this time
Turns out adding glitter to your urine sample doesn’t add sparkle to the lab techs lives. It does, however, get you yelled at by your doctor.
My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: So tell me about your hobbies.
Me: Well I really enjoy minding my own goddamn business.
[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost
If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
[job interview]
INTERVIEWER: what can you tell me about the last three years of your life
ME: just that i hope they haven’t started yet
Sometimes blank stare is the correct answer.
Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?
Diamond: rookie
trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training